I THINK SHE HAS LOVE OF ME AND ME ON HER!
 
 

 

Dear Chuck,

I am recently single. In my morning download of spam, I got an email from a woman in Nigeria who seems to know of my newfound availability and made a play for me. I suspect it is one of those money scams. What made me leery was that she neglected to use my name anywhere in the letter and, furthermore, she thought I would be very interested in her because she, being a devout Christian woman, is seeking a devout Christian man for herself. The problem with that is, well, I am Jewish.

Now that I do not have a relationship, I am very bored and have a lot of time on my hands. Knowing that this a scam, I thought I would amuse myself by writing back pretending to be interested in spite of our religious differences and geographic obstacles. Maybe you could help me write a response.

I attach her letter to me. I swear to you that this is exactly as I received it, with its broken English, bad spelling, and invitation to let me have her come directly to my house when she gets to America.

I look forward to the seeing the letter you recommend. I know I need a hobby, but amusing myself this way will have to suffice for a while.

My thanks.
Barry R.
Boston, MA

 

HER LETTER:

Hello
how are you doing there ..i guess that all is well , my name is kate and a good christain born and raised in a god christian home and am new in this dating site and was i was browsing thorugh profiles i came across your profile which i have interest in your proflie and i will like to express my interest in you be writing you this letter and if you are interested in talkimng to me i will like you to reply this letter so that i can send you some pictures of me ..to help you know whom you are talking with and as the bible says that a man will leave his family and clip to a woman to become on flesh and blood dear one .. i dont know why i had interest in you but i think is one of Gods ways of working ...When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls. Her husband entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize and So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate
Please do not let my age bother you because i do know that age is a number and a blessing from God but love is from the heart and soul and love is something one should not joke with ...I will like to tell you that right now am not in New York in United States but in Nigeria because my grammie passed out and i have to attend the funeral as well because was so dear and lovelly to me so at the moment am in Nigeria and i will be back in New York sooner as the funeral is over and i hope that will not drive you away from me..... so if things work between us i will like to stop be your house on my way to New York so that we can have time to know each other well
I will like you to e-mail me straight into my e-mail address because i believe and feels in me that am about to meet the man of my life May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else. .i will beside my computer waiting for your reply letter sooner
kate

 

TM

Dear Barry,

It is interesting that word of your recently crumbled relationship has reached the shores of Nigeria, and I am certain that women throughout metropolitan Lagos are no longer able to contain their elation knowing that you have been redeposited yet again into the dating pool. How lucky you are, so recently mate-less, but so soon gifted with opportunity for such a speedy replacement romance.

This letter may well be one of the more creative swindles coming from Nigeria, a country whose major global export these days seems to be scams, this one being a close second to the discretely forwarded email that might be sent to you from the spouse of a Nigerian government official who needs your help smuggling tens of millions of dollars out of Africa. Hundreds of hapless schleps have willingly turned over their money in “advance fees,” waiting for a windfall that will never come.

While you may not enjoy the promise of a trove of ill-gotten tender you would receive siphoning off Nigerian oil reserve money, this offer does provide the hitherto unavailable chance to secure a subserviant sub-continent wife, in this case, an exotic international woman, who you have not yet seen, but seems so nice from her pleasant letter, her syntax, grammar, and spelling notwithstanding. Even more important, however, finding a woman this easily will allow you finally to escape that oh-so fraying Hell of serial dating.

Should a long distance romance bloom with this pen-suitor, you would soon find emails requesting money for clothes, dowry, bribes, passports, and transportation in preparation for her arrival, and after some months of delays and postponements in getting over here, she would send an appeal for additional dollars for just a few mores clothes, bribes, passports, and transportation, this continuing until you finally (1) wise up or (2) run out of money, making this long-distance relationship quite expensive, though not too much more than you will spend on all the first dates you have with woman you meet here.

You have wisely spotted those subtle hints indicating that this woman may not be all she claims, and in fact, may not even be a woman at all, but instead a outsized Nigerian con man named Obanjoko who works you out of an air-conditioned office suite in Kaduna, along side a ring of other outsized guys who were soldiers in the Nigerian army before becoming brides.

It is a giveaway that the letter addresses you as “Hello,” and never mentions your name, and that the return email address is obanjoko@fake_rolexes.ng. The email claims she is looking for the kind of man who can appreciate her evangelical Christian leanings, leading me to suspect that she did not bother to crosscheck your name against the list of donors for the Combined Jewish Philanthropies, and by crosscheck, I do not mean that in the religious sense.

So why not play a little. Sure, write back, giving her some hope that you swoon at the prospect of a life with a Nigerian woman who barely speaks English and you will gleefully turn over you ATM PIN and bank routing number to prove your love. At the very least, you will be providing a service to others, by keeping this scam artist busy so there is less time available to exploit them.

Based on the grammar and syntax of the letter you received, here is the response I have drafted on your behalf:

Dear Kate,
I am do fine, so thank you for ask. Of all man of the internet, glad it is you to choosing me, as did you. Friend of me of which they many say that “computer to date is no possible and no a good women be there! So you waist yourself with you time!” So what surprise I tell on them that you international woaman find me of all man. Here in Boston in United of State, it being hard for meeting for love or not. Womans here to cold and not of nice. Many have mean. Some go from marry to not marry and treat any new mans meeted as they punish. “All man bad.” Some womans have bitter. So that you be far is not bad on me and may be we have a date number one in a convenient, so you do not have arrive here or me to there to Nigerai, we best meet in half, may be be tween Nigerai and United of State may be Azores or Republicain Dominican Iland near Hatey. So heart of me sing of delightness of you like of me. Very glad I am that your good Christian, even through I am a Jewish. Riased as parents did of us in a home of Jew, we had kosher and ate no of pig. Days of holly different of christ people having christmus and we have of a hunnukka. In the easter we are holly instead day of Passing Over of the time we leave from Egipt incontinent from Farows, and Egipt be of Africa. You be of africa lady so may be you of Farow family from ago. Jew people eat of bread that of the flat and of the hard but not able to fold. There is are many so things that Jew people do and happy of me that I can tell on you when you visti on me.
You appear of Nigerai lady, what I know not from much, only in growup time in school. Do Nigerai people have of a Jewish there? If like, may be you to Jewish so mother in Florida OK. One time you come Boston you decide. If we children together, maybe name from both of us ethnic. If boy be his part, may be we name Ira Balawanda in first and next to first name. Last of name be of me, in United of State way.

I do know no what attract you of me and wy of all Jew men of computer, I be of best and no other. I have admit this make me all excite and make me lumpy there. If you as pretty as you word I will great happiness. I of interest in what Nigerai lady do is sex. Sex work be tween a husband to he wife is of greatness here in American and do lot of time for man happiness. I do no not kind of sex work is be tween husband to he wife of Nigerai. Here in American I am wonder if uses of the penes of men and javina of the woman same way Nigerai. Here lot of moving and make sweat. Then over. Do Nigerai lady do sex work great?
By way, I cry on you for the falling down of you grammie who be dead today. Many of old people passing out and must be funeraled. My grammie and grammpee do the dead along ago. They bury themselves on the side of each other in the death field with stone on the upper part saying they name and live and dead times. My grammie be dead of the heart stop, My grammpee be dead of the canker.
So you go onto Newyork. When you come on the United of State, you call on me by phones. I send to you my number of phones so you can call out on me from your coming to American day. I live 4 hour of Newyork, but if number one date is here in the United of State, maybe best to meet in half again in Connetticut or of Road Iland.

Do you in your contry bowling. Here is good sport for wife and man when not do sex work. Also baseball to watch. Money I have will give to you if you visit on me and we make marry. I think on you and I still am lumpy there.

Kiss and huges
Barry

This is the letter I would send. I hope it helps.