Your health should be more important to you than nearly anything else, excluding perhaps money and power.

By all accounts, we should be much healthier than we really are. As a nation, we're just not as serious about our overall corporeal wellbeing as we should. We are living in a time when we know more than we ever have about the human body, how it operates, and what it needs in order to thrive.


We are among the first generations to obsess over
lean body mass and cellulite. Yet, many of us still collapse with coronary malfunction or some other "you-brought-it-on-yourself" disease.

We swallow fistfuls of vitamins that we would otherwise consume in food had they not been processed out when such preservative as propyl gallate---to keep our food pretty and "perky"---was put in. We rush from our brisk walks outdoors on a sunny summer day so we can drive to the heath club to use the treadmill. We have learned about fats, carbs and their influence on the heart and liver and we have revised the Food Pyramid to tell us what foods to eat, how often, and in what quantity. How could instructions about anatomical maintenance be simpler?


Yet, while we boast we are most advanced and educated country on the planet, and in spite of of our new-found medical and nutritional knowledge, we are a nation burdened with more obese people than we have ever had in our history, and have to navigate around around more rotundity per square foot than anywhere else on the globe.


As a result of our national corpulence, we not only drive up our aggregate health costs, but we have put much additional stress on our already deteriorating bridges and Interstate overpasses.

As outsized as we have collectively become, just think how much chubbier we would be if we didn't know as much as we do about fiber and whole grains and if we didn't routinely elevate our heart rate artificially on expensive and injurious cardiovascular exercise machinery.

Fortunately, with our daily advancements in medicine and non-invasive surgery procedures, we can smugly go about our lives, knowing we will be able to fix or replace most of our mortal parts, no matter how careless we are or how badly we treat them.


With new techniques in the science of human transplantation, we know that in years to come, we will be free to blow out a liver, abuse a lung, or overtax a heart, safe in the knowledge that we may be soon be able to incubate a new one with stem cells or perhaps even more easily buy a new organ on e-Bay from someone who would rather have the money.


But until that time, health care professionals still urge us to find better ways to take care of ourselves, without making it too time consuming or inconvenient.

Ultimately, the way we treat our bodies will determine how long we we remain upright and animated on this mortal coil. By taking the answers you will soon find here to heart, you are guaranteed, and we do not use that word frivolously, to add many more years to your life than you would have, had you been out eating mozzarella sticks and a plate of hot wings instead.

At present, I am working with the FDA and Johns Hopkins University to help me answer some of your more vexing questions about health, fitness, and life extension.

    Though getting answers from actual doctors schooled in anatomy and physiology was my original intent, it seems that the ones educated at "accredited" institutions have brushed me off, so I have, therefore, had to settle instead for chats with some of their secretaries and delivery people, who seem much more accessible and quite frankly nicer to deal with than the licensed medical providers.

Sure, getting health answers from someone who never studied medicine per se may not be, how shall we say, as reliable, but the advice from I am getting from an attractive receptionist in my allergist's office is still probably better than no advice at all, and beyond that, I am pleased to announce that for the past few weeks, she and I have been sleeping together.

Please, keep submitting your difficult questions, and in the meantime, do not eat anything that looks iffy.

Upcoming answers will have you feeling much better
> Exercising for Lazy Middle Age Guys
> Was It Food Poisoning, or Just Bad Cooking?
> I Want To Go To Med School, I think
> How Can I Win at Golf?



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